I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.
I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in winter and happier in
summer.
-- Brendan Behan
What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that
we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice
try anyway, George.
-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
If I'm going to have a past, I'd prefer it to be multiple choice.
-- The Joker
I saw a sign that said, 'Kill your idols' and I thought, 'Suicide is
bad'.
-- Kevin Hemenway
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
Excuse me for not answering your letter sooner, but I've been so busy
not answering letters that I couldn't get round to not answering yours
in time.
-- Groucho Marx
If God is watching us, we might as well be interesting.
-- Solomon Short
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse
to see it tried on him personally.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society.
If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people
for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love
of power.
--P.J. O'Rourke
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
-- Harry Truman
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
-- Jack Wagner
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- Mark Twain
The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin
The chief enemy of creativity is good taste.
-- Picasso
It's inherently difficult to get reliable information about an event
that consisted of the destruction of all recorded information.
-- unknown
We don't talk about planes flying, we talk about them crashing.
-- unknown
Paranoids are the only ones who notice things anymore.
-- Anatole Broyard
At 100 mph,. you're not driving a car, you're aiming it.
-- Col. G. Paul Corbin, chief of the Nevada Highway Patrol, on the
prospect of higher speed limits in Western states.
I want to announce to the world that I am very happy. As long as you
don't take the pills away.
-- unknown
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I
hate people like that.
-- Tom Lehrer
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
-- Charles Schulz
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-- Daffy Duck
In Vegas I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.
-- Steven Wright
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke
of the century.
-- Dame Edna
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
-- Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long.
-- Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex...but it's not a very good one.
-- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
-- Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately. Extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
-- Steven Wright
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately
explained by stupidity.
-- Robert Heinlein, Logic of Empire, 1941
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing the right thing.
-- Isaac Asimov (Salvor Hardin, "Foundation")
Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact
that everything that happens is accidental.
-- Meg Ryan, 'Sleepless in Seattle'
Just because an idea is popular don't make it right.
-- Jim from 'Huck Finn'
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
My sense of adventure is firmly planted behind my sense of longevity.
-- Kevin Hemenway
Statistics released in 1996 show that we are murdering less in America.
But it's not for the lack of trying. We are gunning our fellow citizens
down more than ever but high tech trauma centers are bringing them back
to life. It's not that we are killing less but that medical advances are
making it harder to keep them dead.
-- Spencer Hughes, KSFO Radio
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen
She's descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
The things that come to those who wait are probably the things that
left over from the people who got there first.
-- Steven Tyler
Under carefully controlled experimental circumstances, an animal will
behave as it damned well pleases.
-- The Harvard Law of Animal Behavior
If you don't think that logic is a good method for determining what
to believe, make an attempt to convince me of that without using logic.
No one has even bothered to try yet.
-- Brett Lemoine
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we
can solve them.
-- Isaac Asimov
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -
it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean
level wouldn't cure.
-- Ross MacDonald
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
-- Paul White
Never eat more than you can lift.
-- Miss Piggy
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will
pick himself up and carry on.
-- Winston Churchill
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
-- Heisenberg
It is not enough that we should succeed, but our friends must fail as
well.
-- La Rochefoucauld
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the
human mind to correlate all its contents.
-- The Call of Cthulhu
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other
bastard die for his.
-- George Patton
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise
the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.
-- Russell Green
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
-- Katherine Hepburn
When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman
gets up to, people look; then if they like what they see, they listen.
-- Pauline Frederick
Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid.
-- John Wayne
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-- unknown
Let anger's fire be slow to burn.
-- George Herbert
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
-- Will Rodgers
An angry man opens his mouth and shuts up his eyes.
-- Cato
Anger is momentary madness, so control your passion, or it will control
you.
-- Horace
The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions - the little, soon
forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment,
and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
-- Robert Frost
You can't fight darkness with darkness; you don't get light that way.
--
Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal
rule.
-- Buddha
If ever you and your friends are being chased by a pack of rabid wolves,
you don't have to be faster than the wolves, only your friends.
-- unknown
People need discriminating annoyances like us to correct their perfection.
-- Kevin Hemenway
Let's say I committed this crime. Even if I did do this, it would have
to have been because I loved her very much, right?
-- OJ Simpson
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
-- Kilgore Trout
The only way to stop this suicide wave is to make it a capital offense,
punishable by death.
-- Legislature in Ireland
It is a cliche, and it is also true, that humor springs from existential pain -- from a need to blunt the awareness that life is essentially a fatal disease of unpredictable symptoms and unknown duration. (itals belong to me, not Gene - ed. note)
-- Gene Weingarten