Bumper Stickers & One-Liners

Bumper Stickers and One-Liners:

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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
Be nice to your kids - they'll pick your nursing home!
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Cover me. I'm changing lanes (Special "L.A. significance")
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Death. How nice. I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet.
Death to all fanatics!
Demolition workers are the jolliest men in every country.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don't meet trouble halfway; it's quite capable of making the whole journey.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't sweat the petty things....or pet the sweaty things.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Failure is not an option - it comes bundled with the software.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the 'Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Give me ambivalence or give me something else.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalgraphically challenged.
Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
Home is where you hang your @.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I can't dial 911 - there's no 11 on my phone.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panty hose on fire.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just would not listen.
i souport publik edekasion.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool about it.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If cryptography were outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyf unir cevinpl
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If Jesus and Satan both had a mailbox, who would get more mail and why?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, you're in range.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you think there's good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want divine justice, die.
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm reading a very interesting book on anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts and economists?
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep.
Logic is a systematic method to coming to the wrong answer with confidence.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One nice thing about egotists - they don't talk about other people.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
Pardon my driving; I'm reloading. (more L.A. humor)
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
The reason why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Serenity through viciousness.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, but then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Sure you can trust the government - just ask an Indian!
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Televangelists: The pro wrestlers of religion.
There are always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling.
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You will be assimilated!
We have enough youth; how about a fountain of SMART?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What boots up must crash down.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What's another word for thesaurus?
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
You!...Off my planet!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.