How to Pill...

a Cat

  1. Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of arm. Place right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in, allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa and repeat process. 
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 
  4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call in partner. 
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler. Rub cat's throat vigorously. 
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep 'Doulton' figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later. 
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lay on cat with cat's head just visible from below partner's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw. 
  9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to partner's armpit and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band. 
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 
  12. Ring for fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 
  13. Tie cat's front and back paws together with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garden shed and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash down pill. 
  14. Get partner to drive you to ER and sit quietly while the doctors stitch fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

a Dog

  1. Wrap pill in bacon.