Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of arm. Place right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in, allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call in
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler.
Rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep 'Doulton' figures
from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lay on cat with cat's head just
visible from below partner's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply bandage to partner's armpit and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring for fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise
to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front and back paws together with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garden shed
and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed
by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of
water down throat to wash down pill.
Get partner to drive you to ER and sit quietly while the doctors stitch
fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in
furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
Wrap pill in bacon.