Strict, Unbending Rules for the Dog...

  1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
  2. The dog may enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
  3. The dog may stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.
  4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
  5. The cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog may go wherever the hell he pleases.
  6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
  7. The dog may get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
  8. The dog may get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
  9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
  10. The dog may sleep at the foot of the bed only.
  11. The dog may sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
  12. The dog may sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
  13. The dog may sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
  14. The dog may sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not allowed to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
  15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" even if it's true.